The 2025 Multicourt Masters: Chaos. Cramping. Champions.
Six sports. Ten competitors. One very questionable scoring system.
The inaugural Multicourt Masters has wrapped, and what began as a simple idea to pit friends against each other in glorious multi-sport battle quickly devolved into a saga of delayed arrivals, injured hamstrings, Eton Fives trauma, and car breakdowns. Naturally, it was a huge success.
🧮 The Format
Each sport awarded points:
1st = 100, 2nd = 90, 3rd = 80, and so on.
- Padel / Tennis / Eton Fives: American Doubles, followed by a play-off split into Top Group vs. Group of Shame™.
- Squash / Wallball / Rugby Fives: Singles, bloodsport-style.
Competitors were seeded, predictions were made, and Daniel Grant was the strong favourite. As you’ll soon read, that aged like milk.
🎾 Padel – “Dan’s Court”
We opened on a glorious day in Chesham with padel, where Dan Grant reminded everyone he’s been moonlighting as a semi-professional. He cruised through most matches untouched — some opponents failed to return a single serve.
Meanwhile, Tekkers was still in traffic. Showing up late and scrambling for warm-up time set the tone for his day: disorganised excellence, followed by chaos.
Blackbaby came second with solid play, and Toby & Wyman scraped joint third — sibling rivalry alive and well.
Shout-out to Zara, who bravely turned up with zero sunscreen and 100% commitment to hitting her doubles partners with high-velocity forehands.
🏸 Tennis – “Zara vs. Humanity”
Tennis was less Wimbledon, more Wimbledon meets “Jackass”.
Toby stunned the field, taking the win in style, including a gutsy victory over Wyman — who may never emotionally recover.
Zara continued her campaign of high-powered friendly fire, hitting at least two people in the chest and one in the ear. Still, she managed third… until a scoring error dropped her into the Group of Shame. Justice was not served.
Meanwhile, Penn looked like someone had handed a squash player a frying pan and said “figure it out”.
🥵 Squash – “Hamstring Havoc”
By now, Tekkers had had enough. A bad day behind him, he arrived early for squash, warming up alone like a man possessed. And for a moment, it worked — he bageled Wyman and looked unbeatable.
Until, of course, he lunged heroically against DG, tore his hamstring, and hobbled into a metaphorical sunset. Not before shouting something about how “Squash 57 is a joke”, which he had been passionately opposing all week, despite DG’s obsession with it.
Blackbaby took the win here with quiet dominance, proving that consistent performance was his thing.
🧱 Eton Fives – “Pain Is Temporary. So Are Fingers.”
Let’s be honest. No one enjoyed this.
Except Christian (Blackbaby) and Sahil, who treated it like an art form while the rest of us just tried to survive.
Toby sacrificed his knuckles. Fernando and Sahil had their own private war for last place. Zara earned a polite round of applause just for staying upright.
Everyone walked off asking, “Wait, how is this still a sport?”
This Game Shouldn’t Exist… But It Does – Eton Fives
🧱 Wallball – “The Upset Arena”
Tekkers, hobbling but unbowed, stormed back to take a clear win. But the real story? The upsets.
- Terry beat Christian.
- Penn beat Wyman.
- Shinan beat Toby.
- Zara beat the odds (and likely a few more limbs).
Somewhere in the chaos, we learned Wallball is 90% vibe and 10% coordination — and the scores reflected it.
🤾 Rugby Fives – “This Is Where the Rivalries Came Alive”
This was the finale, and what a finale it was.
- Christian beat Terry in a gritty clash of endurance vs. two very tired elbows. (Terry’s now on a two-month sabbatical from all physical activity.)
- Penn turned back the clock to uni days, remembering the one time he scored against Tekkers (when the latter hit the bar). But this time? He beat him 15-5. Clean.
- DG looked imperious, until he didn’t.
In the final: DG raced ahead 4–0… then got bored. Started fooling around. Served into the bar. Missed easy shots. By the time he tried to win properly, it was too late — Penn took it 15–10.
A man once told DG, “The day I beat you is the day you retire.” DG might want to think about it.
💀 The Other Casualties
- Tekkers was late to everything. Except squash, which then broke him.
- Zara never found sunscreen and is still peeling.
- Blackbaby’s car couldn’t handle the intensity of Chesham and died the next day.
- Sahil played one sport. But at least he enjoyed it.
- The Chan brothers battled throughout. Results unclear, but blood was metaphorically spilled.
- Rivalries everywhere: DG vs. Tekkers, Toby vs. Wyman, Zara vs. Shinanigans, Penn vs. every sport with a racket.
🧮 Final Scores
| Rank |
Player |
Points |
| 🏆 1 | Christian (Blackbaby) | 515 |
| 🥈 2 | Toby | 405 |
| 🥈 2 | Daniel Grant | 405 |
| 4 | Wyman | 395 |
| 5 | Terence | 340 |
| 6 | Tekkers | 290 |
| 7 | Penn | 280 |
| 8 | Shinan | 220 |
| 9 | Zara | 215 |
| 10 | Colm | 70 |
🎉 Special Mentions
- MVP: Christian, for not only winning but surviving all events without breaking.
- Comeback King: Penn, for going from tennis-flailing to fives-conquering.
- Most Injured: Tekkers (hamstring) and Terry (both elbows).
- Last Place Legend: Zara, who now earns the sacred right to choose a new sport for next year’s tournament. May God help us all.
Multicourt Masters will return.
More sports. More rivalries. More questionable decisions.
See You in 2026.